Jelly Shoes
by Shadowfang3000
Summary: "Fun for him began with that suit." - After Zac spots a rather nifty suit, he discovers that he has less money than the Irish Government. With his eyes fixated on it, he begins a perilous journey of pain and despair to achieve one-thousand gold to buy that suit, encountering many strange fellows on the way. (This fic is more Crack than my soles, you've been warned!)


(A/N) Now, this is a deviation from the usual formula if I've ever seen one!

As around three people may know, my specialty in writing is romance and angst. While I'm admittedly not very good at these genres, they tend to be the only type I can write with any coherency or value. I'm deciding today to experiment with something new.

Instead of my usual style, I'm trying to write a K rated humour/adventure story, starring everyone's favourite lump of jelly, Zac!

It'll be interesting to see how I handle a story containing as little seriousness as possible, judging from the fact that the last pure crack fic I recall writing was back in bloody 2011! D:

Don't get your hopes up, but we may have struck a gold mine with more than ten characters from League of Legends featured! :D

And to a certain person, I want to stress: It's a **CRACK** fic, jeez .

WARNING: A single, somewhat pervy scene, overused goo jokes, lots spelling errors, OOC characters, completely non-canon murder of the plot line, painful attempts at comedy, continuity errors, a blob of jelly, general sloppiness, and the longest oneshot I've ever written! You've been warned, son!

**Jelly Shoes**

The outfit caught his glance in seconds.

True, that was the main purpose of placing it at the shop window with three illuminated signs of various colours from the spectrum pointing towards it, but that wasn't really what grabbed his eye. What did snatch his attention like a fart in the bathtub was the inclusion of a top hat, monocle and cane with a rather dashing suit.

_As if the fine fabrics weren't cavalier enough._

He had always dreamed of wearing a suit; strolling around the city limits in style and dignity. Unfortunately, he had one tiny issue when it came to this. It wasn't that he lacked style and dignity, hell: The kids of the area always went on about his bodacity, and how he was the coolest cat around.

The issue was a lot more painful, a lot more... _Gooey._

Zac wasn't exactly a man. Well, he wasn't a woman either if that was what you were thinking. Zac was a being composed entirely of an artificial gelatinous matter, possessing its own organic intelligence and hardiness greater than a dyke made of Lego blocks. While the ability to separate and shift between solid and liquid states was rather useful, it did come with its side effects.

His matter was highly unstable, and to this day he had issues trying to maintain a solid form for extended periods of time. While it had zero effect on his health, it certainly didn't help others around him. Grandpa Gerald learnt that the hard way when he tried to shake his hand once, only to be absorbed into his body and left to float.

He managed to escape in the end, but ever since then grandpa had refused to eat jam sandwiches or jelly and cream.

_How he lived life without those luxuries, Zac would never know._

Clothing was thankfully not an issue for Zac. Thanks to his gelatinous form, he had no sense of cold or hot. Not only that, but his volatile and morphing body also made him lack the requirement of clothing to remain socially acceptable. Why would he need clothing when he had nothing to hide? That's not to say he never felt embarrassed when people oogled his goo for large periods of time.

Waving hello to a young mother and her son exiting the shop, Zac fished into his stomach to search for loose change. Slipping his fingers by his house keys, today's dinner and _yesterday's _dinner, he managed to retrieve a well-thumbed pile of dosh.

"Ten... Twenty... Thirty..." Zac thought aloud, shuffling through the paper bills and counting his possessions. Zac didn't actually own that much money, primarily due to his general lack of need for it. When it came to survival, all he needed was a nice cup of water every now and then. He could eat something to enjoy the taste, but the food would not be digested or used for energy.

The only luxuries he was after were fun, and fun for others.

_And fun for him began with that suit._

Fist bumping the woman's little boy before he left, Zac vaulted up the three awkward steps that lead up to the door and entered the shop. The store was surprisingly larger on the inside; the coats and jumpers neatly arranged on the walls. The floor was spotless and well lit tool, with not a single soul visible save for the man leaning behind the counter. He seemed to be wearing some sort of modern jumpsuit, with his thick hair and killer moustache spiked and gelled.

_The suffering of his fellow jelly products._

The man at the counter grinned mischievously at the appearance of another customer, no doubt plotting of a way to rip him off with style. Raaising his arms like a religious practitioner preaching to the masses, he spoke proudly. "Why hello there, my man! Welcome to the League of Draven!"

The man gestured to the extremely glittery sign behind him, featuring his winking face on the far right next to the word "Of". Zac had to admit that the craftsmanship and attention to detail was amiable, even if it was more smug than a self-portait entitled "My Sexy Rear-end".

"Yeah, hey." Zac mumbled, getting a creepy vibe from the man's undying stare and grin. Thankfully he couldn't sweat, otherwise the money in his palm would've slipped out of his grasp. "Say, can you tell me how much that suit at the window costs?"

"Ah, you mean the Draven Super Deluxe Draven Drab and Dining Suit?" The man asked, placing a foot atop the counter and posing like a marble statue. "One of the League of Draven's most venerated products that has sold by the truckload all over the continent of Valoran?"

"... I mean exactly that." Zac replied bluntly, his fist tightening around the money on hand. The aura of ignorance around the salesman made his goo solidify, which was kind of like the concept of your blood boiling only a lot more comical. The salesman sighed deeply, the label on his broad chest naming him "Draven".

"Well, taking in account VAT, tax, the first time spender deal, the non-human discount, Draven's lucky dip reductions and the fact that Draven thinks you're a pretty groovy piece of jelly..." Draven whispered, calculating the price in his head. He snapped a glance at his peculiar customer for a moment, gauging him with a surprisingly deadly stare. They were the eyes of a killer; that or an accountant. "A thousand gold?"

_A thousand gold._

_A thousands whim-wams._

_Three Cadbury Creme Eggs._

"Ummm... Could we barter that price for a bit?" Zac stuttered, the numbers catching him off guard. He hadn't expected that he had enough money, but he didn't think he'd be _this _far off.

Draven paused for a moment before rolling his lip, nodding slowly. "... You've got Draven's attention. Name your cost, jelly man."

"I can pay you thirty." Zac said after considerable deliberation, trying to look like he knew what he was talking about. Draven looked at him with a raised eyebrow, as if missing a word or two.

"Thirty Volkswagens?" He whistled, looking mildly impressed. Zac face-jellied upon realising his mistake, pulling out his wad of dough and shaking it dry of stray gel droplets.

"No, thirty gold." He reassured, trying to appear as if he was the one giving an arm and a leg in the exchange . Draven's face froze into a rather strange form, making him resemble a man who just ate something spicy whilst watching the end to an Ionian romance drama.

"Thirty gold, jelly man?" Draven repeated, prompting a nod and a friendly smile from Zac.

"If it's in your price range."

Draven backed off from the counter and sighed. Walking back through a door saying "storage", he disappeared for around two minutes without any announcement. It wasn't until a rather hefty looking medium sized battle axe flew out from the doorway and embedded itself in Zac's chest that Draven returned, with a second axe spinning in his right hand. "Out."

Letting the axe pop out from his gooey innards, Zac calmly complied by sprinting as fast as he could out of the store. Draven laughed at this display, wiping a stray glob of slime off the tip of his weapon.

After covering a block or two and making certain that he was no longer being followed, Zac arrived at the city's park and flopped onto an empty bench. The image of that suit still lingered in his mind, his thoughts fixated on the purchase and wielding of that dashing piece of clothing. Grumbling to himself, he pondered for a moment.

As a vigilante, Zac wasn't one who sought rewards for his trade. While he'd often capture villains and bounties for the local law enforcement, he would usually turn down the funds. On those rare occasions that he did not, he would later gift the funds to charity or others in need.

_Anything to spread some happiness._

_Like jelly on a sandwich, although not as tasty._

The only real answer to it was to earn some dosh, but the question was how? Thanks to his work, the city was practically spotless of criminals and gangs. He couldn't just go around and liquefy ten crime syndicates at once every day like he used to. It was ironic really, but by saving the day and making everyone happy, he'd just cornered himself between a butter knife and cutting board.

_He'd have to find a job._

But what sort of job could a man made of jelly do?

Babysitting would be out of the question. He'd once looked after his young cousin Dylan for a few hours as a teenager, only for the baby to waddle off and do hand painting with his goo. Trying to work as a dish-washer like he once did as a part time job to support the family was also out of the option, since no matter how hard he scrubbed a plate it would always be coated in a thick layer of slime.

After a brief ponder, he decided on a rather solid plan. Why couldn't he just do what he used to do as a vigilante, and accomplish random tasks? Except rather than beating up baddies, he could spend his time _directly _helping others and solving their problems?

_Zac, you mastermind you!_

_Your mind isn't mushy jam, it's a high quality jelly dessert!_

Lacking any real method to locate these issues save for his own intuition, he decided to employ his good old fashion Zac Radar. Letting his arms dribble to the floor and attach theirselves to his feet, he hopped into the air with another foot of height added to his body.

Looking over to the far end of the park, he noticed a young girl with a terribly sad expression on her face. While he probably wasn't going to make money from this particular exercise, he wasn't willing to leave this poor child to cry on her lonesome. Melting down and reforming into his normal shape, he began a calm jog in her direction.

Thankfully he wasn't one to tire easily, and he managed to reach the girl in record time. She was certainly surprised by the sudden appearance of a large green man, but she instantly associated the hero's face with the stories of other school children.

"Z-Zac! Mr. Zac, it's you!" The girl smiled, her eyes glowing in awe at his sight. She gazed at his rippling body shape, almost captivated by it. "You're just as cool as I imagined!"

"Aww, shucks kid..." He chuckled, rubbing his neck out of embarrassment. While he would enjoy feeding his ego more, there simply wasn't time. "What's the problem, I'm here to help."

"My kitty..." She pouted, her voice but a miserable whisper.

"Your kitty?" He repeated, having legitimate trouble hearing her through her shroud of depression. She pointed a finger at a towering oak tree to her right, her body tensed together in fear. Following the trail of her pointing digit, he spotted a small feline calmly napping on a protruding branch.

"S-She got her self stuck up in that tree..." She sobbed, her large aqua eyes wobbling with tears. "I'm scared! What if she falls down and hurts herself?"

"The tree isn't too high, I'd say around six floors or so in height." He smiled, trying to calm the girl down. It must've been something deep in his goo, but he could never stand the sight of a crying child. "Cats always land on their feet, don't worry kid."

"Actually, you're forgetting to consider reaction time." The girl replied in sniffles, suddenly shifting tone quicker than a bully when the teachers come close. "For a cat to fall from a large height, they need time to react and ready theirselves to land. With that in mind, it would actually be safer for her to fall from a ten storey height rather than a six storey one."

Zac's gob dropped wide open at this sudden display of knowledge, his own University degree suddenly looking like nothing compared to her primary education. "Where did you learn that...?"

The branch that the cat was lounging on creaked insecurely, bending ever so slightly at its end. The girl gasped in fear, grabbing Zac's hand tightly. "There's not time! Save my kitty Mr. Zac, please!"

Zac leapt into action, quite literally. As the girl wiped the green goo on her palm against her dress, Zac rammed his hands deep into the ground and took a few steps back. Arming his elastic body as a slingshot, he snapped his hands back and launched for the tree.

"INCOMING!" He screamed at the top of his absent lungs, warning elderly chess players and Frisbee throwing kids to watch out for dribbling projectiles. Slamming against the trunk with a loud splat, Zac was glad that his goo was rather adhesive. Attached to the trunk, he scuttled over to a secure branch under the cat and reformed into his usual bipedal appearance. Testing the strength of the branch, he bent his knees and readied himself for another launch.

_But he miscalculated._

The branch he stood upon snapped barely moments before he launched, giving him quite the fright. Snapping his arm like a whip, he cracked it forward and wrapped it around the cat's branch. He had to be quick to avoid breaking it, and he hastily swung up alongside the mildly irritated cat.

Spinning around the branch like a firecracker, Zac eventually ended up posed like that assassin bloke all of the teenage kids find cool nowadays. Shakily turning around, he stared into the droopy and lazy eyes of the foolish – and surprisingly large - feline. "Don't worry kitty, I'm your friend."

The cat looked even more enraged and sickened than usual, which is quite an achievement considering the usual look of hostility cats seemed to possess. After a moment of staring angrily at the goo monster before her, the cat did its feline equivalent of a scoff. "No you're not; I've never even met you before."

_It could talk?_

_Well, he was a man comprised entirely of goo, so it wasn't too farfetched._

"Well..." Zac mumbled, suddenly lost for words at this revelation. The cat continued to snarl at him viciously, sending a shiver down his slime. "I'm not here to hurt you then, okay?"

"Close enough." The cat replied, shrugging its shoulders ever so slightly. Glad to see that she wasn't trying to claw his face off, Zac attempted to continue the discussion.

"What are you doing up here anyway?" He asked, finding it interesting to hear the thoughts of a cat for the first time. "Shouldn't you return to your owner?"

The cat's glare didn't really change in ferocity, but Zac could tell she wasn't getting any jollier. "That girl is not my _owner_, I'm a Wild Cat: Got the tee-shirt."

With this new piece of information, Zac was finding it hard to understand the situation. Rather than describe his question here, he instead went on to put the question in between speech marks like a good boy. "So why is she after you?"

"This child has wanted me as a pet for weeks." She spat, finally breaking her unblinking stare to look down at the small black speck the girl had become at this height. "I would shift back into my usual form, but it's much easier to move as a cougar."

"Usual form?" He repeated, finding the gibberish this cat was spouting more confusing than a sci-fi plotline. "Just who are you?"

"Nidalee." She declared, offering a paw symbolically. Zac didn't reach for it, nor did she want him to touch her. "Now kindly dismount the branch, before I push you off."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, Nidalee." Zac sighed, truly apologetic but adamant in his cause. "That little girl is sad without you, and who knows? Maybe you'll enjoy living with her?"

"She has a dead cat you know, and you know what killed him?" She asked, pausing for dramatic effect. Zac would've asked, but she continued just before he opened his maw. "Asphyxiation through hugs. I want to die in battle rather than an overdose of physical affection, thank you very much."

"Listen, pal." Zac growled, losing his patience. This jerk of a cat was starting to get on his nerves, and he felt like action was required. "You're coming with me, whether you like it or not."

Growling gutturally, Nidalee rose from her position and lunged at him without any warning. Zac would've been mildly irritated by this, but instead he was totally terrified when the branch snapped and sent the two hurtling for the ground.

"I HOPE YOU CAN LEND ME ONE OF YOUR NINE LIVES CAT!" Zac screamed, his goo rippling from the wind. Nidalee began spinning close by, just as fearful as he was.

"IF YOU LEND ME A VOLKSWAGEN, I'LL CONSIDER IT SLIMEBALL!" Nidalee replied, sounding a tad bit calm in between her frantic cries and sobs. After a surprisingly long amount of falling, Zac decided to try and break the ice.

"I'VE GOT A QUESTION CAT!" He began, looking over to her. Nidalee swam through the air to close the distance, readying her ear to try and understand him through the noise. "CAN YOU LAND ON YOUR FEET FROM THIS HEIGHT?"

Nidalee rolled her eyes in thought, before nodding furiously. "PROBABLY, WHY?"

Zac tried to shout "YES!" in triumph, but unfortunately at that point he had become one with the ground. Exploding into a messy blob of goo, he thankfully provided a rather nice landing platform for Nidalee, who was quickly absorbed into his gelatinous form.

The young girl gasped at the sudden sound, the blob filling a large amount of ground ahead of her. Running frantically towards them, Zac couldn't help but feel honoured: The girl was worried about him, and was instantly running to his aid. People often asked him why he tried so hard to protect the young, but she was a perfect example of his reasoning. It wasn't about large deeds, rather it was about the _smaller _things. Something about children doing good for the world filled him with bravery and joy; things that were rather lacking in today's wor-

"Yay, kitty!" The girl smiled, fishing her hands into the goop and tugging the frightened cougar out. Hugging Nidalee with that extreme tightness that she had prophesised, she ran off with a jaunty sing-song pursuing her, leaving Zac on his lonesome.

"Oh." Zac mumbled, exhausted from the force. "This may take a moment, bear with me..."

It wasn't physically possible for Zac to blush, but if he could he'd be redder than a baboon's bottom at this point. Being in this state always made him feel vulnerable and exposed, and it didn't help that he was still going through his emotional teens when it first happened.

_That big bully Steven ruined his life, he caused this!_

Venting his frustration at his childhood, he eventually managed to suppress his sadness and get to work. Making sure nobody was looking at his exposed jelly, he reassembled into a small orb and burst his limbs out, gradually growing more defined until finally he was back.

_And alone._

The girl had run off with Nidalee in tow, leaving him with nothing more than a... Well, nothing at all. To be honest, he'd gained nothing and lost a chunk of his right buttock. True, the girl was happy now, but he was no closer to getting a suit.

To be honest, he'd taken a step back: His butt wouldn't fit in it properly now!

These setbacks were irritating for certain, but that didn't mean that the fight was over. He still had plenty of favours and odd jobs to do to try and raise some funds, and the sun still hung high in the air like an overly loving parent with no concept of privacy. Scanning the horizon for any immediate threats, he began a casual stroll out of the park and towards the residential district.

The park would probably be a lot more busy during the afternoon, with the influx of workers and students finally escaping the confines of work or school and searching for entertainment. Zac could stay there and wait for the period, but school children in large quantities were rather dangerous to his physical condition.

_He'd lose an arm and a leg, quite literally._

_That orphanage still owed him a few fingers..._

X

Having been given a large ice cream for free by a vendor he had rescued from thugs a few months ago, Zac continued his journey with a vanilla cone in hand. While most would slowly lick and nibble on an ice cream like they were trying to taunt it, he did the more logical think and tossed the foodstuff into his mouth whole. Slowly it sunk through his body, before landing next to the rest of his junk.

_Oh, great._

_I got ice-cream on my MP3!_

Wondering if the plot was going to go anywhere sometime soon, Zac snapped his head to his left to spy on a few gardens. Some people would find this rather creepy, but since he was a superhero for some reason it was allowed.

In the first garden he spied was a rather offensive looking bush. It resembled a rough humanoid, with its posterior pointed in the direction of next door. Looking over to that garden, Zac noted the rather peeved off looking pensioner who was halfway through mowing his lawn.

The third front garden seemed to be empty at first, but Zac knew something was off. Sitting on the middle of an elegant patch of grass was a rather cheap looking tea set, resembling the sort you'd give to six year old girls to make them shut up for a few minutes. At this little garden picnic area was a small teddy bear, with its eye ripped and its body sprawled as if it had been cast aside quickly.

_There was also a rather large polar bear._

That wasn't particularly hard to miss, but for some reason Zac's mind had gone blind at that point. Since polar bears weren't nationally renowned for their killer tea parties, he assumed that whoever instituted this fine eatery was close by.

"Mr Jewwy Man!" A voice rumbled, the source close by but invisible. Zac adopted a defensive stance, trying his best to make himself look much larger to intimidate any immediate threats. The voice made a sound akin to that noise cute girls in anime associate with a grumpy pout before speaking again. "I'm speaking to you! Hey, wisten!"

Zac had never met God before, save for that one time in an Ionian bar. Doing up an imaginary tie and combing back his blobby head, he tried to adopt a formal tone.

"_Tried" being the key word._

"Is this god?" He asked curiously, sounding no different to how he usually spoke. "I've always wondered this, but do you think Pentakill is a decent band?"

God giggled at this like a little girl, before suddenly Zac felt a hand brushing against his leg. Snapping his head down to stare at the culprit, he found himself looking at another young girl.

_He attracted them like flies around a pile of-_

"Oh, hello little girl." Zac chuckled, rather embarrassed by his previous words. The girl looked quite adorable, clothed in purple and wearing a cute headband with cat-ears glued on top. If cuteness could be measured with sugary water, Valoran would currently be ruled by the legion of Crab Men on a rather violent sugar rush. "What's wrong, missy?"

The girl stuck her tongue out at him before turning to skip back to her little picnic. Beckoning him to follow, Zac began to cautiously pursue her whilst nervously eying the gigantic polar bear. Upon closer inspection, it looked more depressed than a beached jellyfish with dead parents, arrhythmia, and a disabled sister.

"I'm twying to have a tea party with Tibbers and Cuddles, but they've been weally quiet!" The girl frowned, hopping onto a small cushion and sitting on it with crossed legs. Picking up the teddy bear to her side, she held it close as she continued. "Tibbers wants someone else to talk to, so... Can Mr. Jewwy Man help?"

Zac considered her request whilst examining the food on the menu. A couple of rather nice cakes and biscuits littered numerous plastic platters, and a flowery tea pot sat neatly in the centre of the tiny tea table. With a chance to have some tasty snacks _and _make someone happy, Zac smiled warmly. "Can do, Miss...?"

"Annie!" She cheered, holding her teddy bear up as if to show him off. "This is Tibbers, and that's Cuddles!"

"My name is _Volibear_." The polar bear grumbled, his voice deep and rumbling. "I'm a beast of war, and I do not take kindly to the name _Cuddles."_

Zac would've been surprised, but after his confrontation with a talking cat barely hours prior he'd become rather hard to impress. Forming a rough eyebrow shape with his goo so he could raise it quizzically, he asked Volibear a question. "What's wrong with that? Cuddles isn't too bad of a name, I knew a bloke called Lance Vance once."

"My wife was called Cuddles..." Volibear sighed, suddenly shifting the tone of the conversation like the declaration of pregnancy before a marriage. "She's gone now."

"Oh..." Zac mumbled, suddenly feeling a bit awkward. "I-I'm sorry."

"Don't be, she ran off with another bear." He scoffed, swinging a beary fist into his palm. "I'll show that wench one day, so help me god."

"Enough gossip!" Annie shouted, giving both the bear and the blob a vicious glare. "No one should eat with their mouths full!"

Volibear scoffed at this, while Zac quickly fell onto a cushion and zipped his mouth shut. "I'm not eating girl, I believe I can ta-"

Annie shoved an exceptionally large biscuit into the bear's gob and held him by the scruff of the neck. You'd think that it looked funny considering the size difference, but to Zac it was utterly terrifying. "I'm Pwincess Annie to you!"

The vicious Volibear nodded pathetically as this, and began to chew frantically. Annie smiled innocently at his obedience, and pet his head happily. Sinking back down into her cushion, she picked up the teapot and began to tip its contents into her mug.

"This kid is nuts." Zac whispered to Volibear, prompting him to nod. "Why did you agree to join her tea party?"

"I didn't." The bear replied in a hushed voice, both he and Zac staring at the girl cautiously as she mumbled to her bear. "She mugged me, stripped me of my clothing and forced me to play with her."

Zac chuckled at this, imagining the girl beating him up with a pair of boxing gloves. "She _mugged _you? How did she do that?"

As if to answer his question, a loud explosion burst from the general direction of the girl. Nervously turning to check the source, he spotted an additional visitor to their little private picnic.

_A bear.  
_

_A bear on fire._

_And when it came to bears, you couldn't get any worse than one on fire._

_Well, unless it was on fire and had a rather large set of bolt cutters._

Volibear stared at the flaming bear in awe as Annie hugged it calmly. The flames seemed to ignore her as she did so, as if seeing her as their mistress. The bear hugged back, which looked rather silly once more considering the size difference.

"Do you want something to dwink Mr. Jewwy Man?" Annie asked innocently, holding the tea pot high and letting her pinkie point up formally. With a prod of Volibear's elbow, Zac snapped out of his traumatic shakes and nodded. Annie hopped onto the table and stretched with all of her might to reach Zac's mug. Tipping the teapot to release its mystery contents, Zac realised that there was actually _nothing_ in there.

"Well?" She asked expectantly, sipping from her own mug. "Dwink up!"

"Right!" Zac replied, snatching the mug. It was one of the tiniest things he had ever seen, and he struggled to squeeze a single gooey digit in to its handle without manipulating it. He took a loud sip of air, trying to think of what strange liquid a young girl would imagine pouring from her cheap teapot. "Ummm... V-Very good tea, Princess..."

"It's not tea, it's hot chocowate!" She growled, smashing her mug onto the table loudly. Volibear flinched from the sound, instinctively hiding behind his bear hands. "Tea is icky! Yuck!"

"R-Right." Zac smiled, waiting for her to turn back to Tibbers. Tapping Volibear's shoulder, he whispered to him nervously. "We need to get out of here buddy, she'll be the end of us."

"Go on without me." Volibear bluntly replied, gulping loudly to hide a stutter.

"What?" Zac gasped, his eyes opening wide in disbelief. Volibear had been the closest thing to a friend he'd had since this hell began around two minutes ago, and he couldn't leave him to a life of torment. "I can't abandon you here, we can get out together!"

"_No." _Volibear growled, locking a proud stare with his ally."This girl needs someone... That, and that Tibbers babe looks rather hot if you ask me."

"... I'm pretty sure it's a male." Zac replied, breaking the sad news to the infatuated polar bear. After a moment of staring at the flaming beast at Annie's side, he sighed deeply.

"... I have nothing to lose." He mumbled, trying to hide his disappointed sniffles from the green goo man. Instantly changing his tone, he placed both of his paws on the table. "I'll count to three."

"On three or after three?" Zac asked, trying to understand his plan. He'd been in many an embarrassing situation due to a misunderstanding over such a topic, including that one time when he was asked to help shift a table, and he managed to flip it over and crush his father's foot. Volibear didn't respond, and began his countdown whilst slowly rising to his feet.

"One... Two..." He started. He would've reached three, but he quickly turned to check on Zac's status only to find him running for his life. He grumbled irritably, like a famous writer who discovered their dad had been selling their used napkins on eBay. "Oh, you filthy blob..."

_RUN, RUN, RUN._

Zac accelerated as fast as his jelly could carry him. He could hear Annie shouting something from far behind, but he couldn't understand her due to a combination of distance and the fact that she sounded like a Noxian General after having their gob cleaved in twain.

He expected some sort of detailed chase scene with heavy metal in the background, but fortunately none of the sort came. He would've looked back to check what was going on, but then he heard a strange moaning sound coming from Volibear, and he felt a tad bit creeped out. Slipping through an alleyway, he found a quiet area where he could catch his goo.

_Another waste of time._

While he still had hope, it seemed that the past few hours of the day had been nothing but a waste of time. True, it was just a warm up for the main event of the day, but that didn't really change anything. Part of him wanted to return to Annie's tea party to stage a rescue operation, perhaps extracting his polar bear friend whilst simultaneously teaching the young girl a moral before cutting to credits.

_But he was afraid._

He hadn't felt fear to such a great magnitude for quite some time, yet for some reason that girl instilled it in him. She had no limit to the wrath she could unleash, and could easily turn him into a succulent jam paste to be spread on toast. Shuddering at the thought of it, he saluted the stars in mourning for the eventual loss of his good acquaintance Volibear.

"_I've come to know you as... Someone I met..."_

The sun shone vibrantly, even managing to pierce the usual doom and gloom of this back alley. Summer had only just begun, and it was pleasing to note that the sun was shining early. While Zac wasn't the biggest fan of the sun itself, it did mean that the beach would be well populated and full of fun activities. Sighing in exhaustion, he began yet another trek across the town to reach the coastline.

X

What was the main attraction that brought everyone to the beach? Was it the ice-cream? Was it the sun? Was it the warm ocean current caressing swimmers as they went?

_Well, it may've been that for girls._

_Lads just went there for the beautiful bikini-clad ladies._

Slipping by a duo of fat people that looked like their rolls were being grilled by the sunlight, Zac searched the area for an open spot of sand to chillax at. While he didn't possess his own bucket and spade to build a sand castle, he could certainly try and get the kids involved. The sea was calm for once, so the risk of the chateau's walls being breached by water was unlikely.

Plopping his tush down on the beige ground, Zac leant back and observed the scenery. He spotted numerous ball games being played, but few children seemed to be involved in the department of sand castle building today. Perhaps it'd grown out of fashion recently, in favour of more simple things.

Zac had always enjoyed the practice as a child, often begging his parents to take him to the beach so they could build together. It must've been something inherited from his Old Man, who was an inventor and creator. People always say that sons take after their fathers, and Zac was a perfect example.

_Well, save for the jelly bit._

"Heads!" A woman called at the top of her lungs, pointing towards the sky. A large spherical silhouette was hurtling down to the ground at full speed, ready to smash a few faces in. Seeing that no one else was in immediate danger, Zac covered his head and waited for the loud thump.

_Thump, boom!_

The ball burst upon contact with the ground, possibly colliding with a pesky sharpened stone in the sand. The woman cursed under her breath, and kicked some buff up to punctuate her frustration.

"That won't do." Zac mumbled to himself, not wishing to see the lady in such a sad state. "That won't do at all."

"Too right, whoever you are." A random sunbather replied, laying on his pale back and letting his front burn as a red as an angry lobster. Nodding at this peculiar bloke, Zac wiggled to his feet and began a slow motion walk, primarily due to his feet constantly sinking into the sand and slowing him down.

"Hey, miss." He began, strolling in with his chest puffed out. "What's the problem?"

"What, you can't see man?" She asked, running a hair through her pink head of hair. "We've lost our ball, and the game's only just started!"

The young woman was one of four clad in rather revealing swimsuits. While Zac was a blob, that didn't mean he had no concept of attractiveness, and make no mistake: They were all very attractive girls. Feeling like a Casanova, Zac closed the distance until he was feet away. "I guess I could help you ladies out. The name's Zac."

"Vi." The woman replied, offering her hand to shake. He took her up in the offer, but quickly regretted it when her powerful fist squeezed a good amount of goo onto the floor. Rather embarrassed by this, Vi crouched down and handed the green mess back.

"Thanks." Zac mumbled, as he slapped the substance back into its rightful place.

"So, what do you intend to do?" One of the women asked, a large number of snow-white tails sprouting from her posterior. A quiet girl to her side nodded furiously, her hair a striking cerulean. Zac scratched his non-existent nose lazily, trying to think of an answer.

He actually hadn't thought beyond that point, as per usual. He usually worked something out as he went along, but for some reason such a devious scheme wasn't working out for him today. Thinking for a moment, he came to a conclusion.

"Hold on a moment..." He mumbled, gesturing to Vi to back off. Bringing his thumb to his mouth as she moved away, he blew with all of his might like an armless man trying to ward off a rather frisky fly. With every gust of air, his stomach grew larger. He kept this going, until eventually his entire body was absorbed into a round, bouncy ball shape. "There we go!"

"Woah! That's awesome!" Vi chuckled, amazed by this random skill. Kneeling down to pick him up, Zac had to admit that he was rather happy about this turn of events. Dad had always said that he'd never be handled by a woman, but look at him now!

"Don't hold back girls." Zac laughed, the powerful girl who held him prepping for launch. "There's plenty of me to go around!"

"HEADS UP!" Vi shouted, before leaping into the air and swinging her fist down with all of her might. Zac was sent careening downwards, where he thankfully collided with another, much girlier fist. "Nice one, fox girl!"

"That's the best you got?" She taunted, throwing Zac into the air and readying a Captain Kirk-esque punch to send him flying. Zac closed his eyes in expectation, still feeling the squishy mark from his last flight. "Take this!"

Rocketing skyward back to Vi, the woman backed up from his destined path and gestured to her partner to take the shot instead. The brunette woman had a face of business, and would likely be a lot more polite and professional rather than sending him launching with a brutal swing of the fist.

_How wrong he was._

The woman did some sort of dramatic kung-fu flip before delivering a round house kick right into his left eye. That was his favourite eye: It was the one that his mother always said glowed in the dark. With Zac spinning back at ridiculous speeds, Vi gasped in panic. "Darn it Cait! Watch out Sona!"

The silent girl hid her face as Zac flew straight towards her, frightened to a great degree. He tried his best to correct his course and clear the way, but he was going far too fast. He began to liquefy his body, for while that would likely cover her in his juices, it would at least prevent any injury.

_But she swung a rather nice right hook at him._

Crying out in fear, Sona closed her eyes and delivered one heck of a jaw smasher right at him. Aimed nowhere in particular, this blow sent him hurtling towards the ocean at speeds leopards only dreamed of.

Flying higher than a hippy yordle clutching onto a bunch of balloons, Zac had to admit that he was enjoying his journey. It felt quite nice with the air caressing his goo, and the sights he could see were absolutely amazing. Few could say that they had seen the ocean from such heights, save for local folk singers.

_And then the journey down began._

Water wasn't exceptionally good for his jelly, primarily since waterlogged jelly isn't particularly tasty. Falling so far out into the sea pretty much guaranteed his demise, but for some reason he didn't feel the proposed flashback coming on.

All he felt was an unshakeable urge to repaint his bedroom walls from navy blue to dark blue.

And then he smashed into the sea.

X

The first thing he saw in death was a lot of white. He didn't really understand the concept of white in the afterlife, since that colour always seemed to stain easily. If you were a bloodied corpse, or in this instance a pile of green goop, the carpet would be stained beyond belief!

Reassembling into his bipedal form, the second thing Zac spotted was a cheap pine table with a book on it. The third thing he spotted was a potted plant, which seemed to have a rather grumpy looking beetle on it. Saying "Excuse me" to the beetle, he scooted by and plucked the book from its throne.

"_Your Death, and How to cope with it."_

"_By God."_

"By God!" Zac cried, slapping his jaw. "I'm... D-Dead?"

"'Fraid so buddy." The beetle mumbled, hopping off his plant and sitting on the table. "I've read the book already, it's not that good."

Zac dropped the book to his side, not really in the mood for a read anyway. "So... This is the afterlife then?"

"Pretty much." The beetle sighed, clicking those pincer thingies together. "Been waiting here for around two weeks myself, I think they forgot about me."

Zac lowered his head to lock eyes with the beetle, who seemed to be a bit teary eyed. "Sorry to hear that."

"No problem mate." He chuckled, welcoming his politeness. Zac smiled in return, and sat down on the floor against the table. The beetle scuttled down the table leg and sat next to him quietly, eying his goop rather perversely.

Save for the draught, the afterlife wasn't actually that bad. True, the conversation was rather lacklustre, but at least Zac didn't have to worry about exploding. He expected to at least get the suit he'd always dreamed of, but beggars can't be choosers can they? The beetle clicked loudly to pass the time, before speaking up.

"... Ever read Fifty Shades of Grey?"

As if summoned by this declaration, a man suddenly appeared next to them. There weren't any dramatic transitions or choirs, in fact nothing like that happened at all: He just appeared out of thin air like pasting a picture on MS Paint.

This man wasn't that unique himself. Well, save for the fact that he had a glowing skull for a head and a worryingly large amount of chains covering his body. A few moments later a second man appeared out of nowhere: A small, old bloke with a grey beard and a collection of clocks on hand.

"Is this supposed to be symbolic or something?" Zac asked, folding his arms lazily. The beetle nodded in agreement to this, and the older man glanced at the chain bloke for an answer.

"Yes and yes, to both of your questions." The skull man chuckled, sounding like a drunkard trying to pull on the disco floor. "Welcome to die by the way."

"Isn't that grammatically incorrect?" The beetle asked, prompting a vicious glare from the man.

"My house my rules." He spat, causing the beetle to flinch. Calming down quickly, he turned back to Zac with a joyful tone once again. "Now then, my name is Thresh. A pleasure to meet you."

"Zac, same here." He replied, shaking his skeletal hand. Thresh cooed in a rather girlish manner at this, prompting his companion to roll his eyes. "So, uh... What's gonna happen?"

"To you?" Thresh asked, leaning a tad bit too close for comfort. Dipping a finger into Zac's chest, he pulled out a blob of goo and played with it in a rather flirty manner. "Anything you want, my dear."

"U-Ummm..." Zac grumbled, watching as somebody he didn't know touched his goo. He'd file a report for violation, but then he realised he had no pen. "I mean about death. What's next?"

"Time is a fickle." Thresh's bearded companion said. "While time passes immemorial here, your existence continues on the other side. We can grant it back, but only if it is what you truly desire. But how can one desire life, when they've never truly lived before?"

"... The hell are you on about Zilean?" Thresh asked, nudging his shoulder. Taking Zac's hand, Thresh held it against his face like the lead girl in a shoddy romance anime. "Besides, he's nice and juicy."

"S-Stop it..." Zac stuttered, his body shaking nervously "Onegai..."

"Nah, I'd rather not." Thresh chuckled, before placing a foot against the blob man's torso and tugging until he ripped his arm off. "I'll be looking after this for a mo, cheers."

Mildly irritated by this, Zac watched as Thresh created a chair from thin air and sat down with his favourite arm in tow. The man known as Zilean turned him around for a chat, leaving the beetle to return to his plant without anyone to talk to.

"Listen to me closely, I shall say this only once." He began, taking a deep breath. "Do you wish to see the sun again?"

"... What?"

The bearded man sighed at this ignorance, tutting loudly. "I'm not saying it again, do you agree?"

Zac thought for a moment, trying to piece together what he could have possibly said. Assuming it was the type of line designed for a trailer or preview in an action film, he went for the first answer. "I... Guess?"

Zilean smiled, patting the blob's back and wiping the resulting goo on his shirt. "Good. Excellent."

"So..." Zac began, suddenly feeling a bit awkward considering he only had one arm, the man who had it seemingly running his lizard like tongue across it. He didn't know about anyone else, but when that happened to him he rarely felt comfortable. "Can you resurrect me now or something?"

"Well, don't you want your arm back first?" Thresh asked from afar, having somehow overheard their conversation. He made sure to look Zac in the eye as he nibbled on one of his slimy fingers seductively. "You're so succulent, Zac."

"My jelly ain't for eating." Zac scoffed, running up to him and snatching his arm back. Thresh sulked sadly as the arm was slowly reattached, desperately wanting to have another nibble. "Now bring me back to life, I've got a job to do."

Thresh sat there for a moment, considering what to do. He _could _bring Zac back to life, or he could keep him here forever. He would've gone for the second option, but he wanted him to be happy.

_Why?_

_Because he was his soul mate._

"Very well, my love..." Thresh whispered, his sniffles possessing that ethereal echo that just made it that much more terrifying. "You may live again, but never forget about me."

"Oh, I _doubt _I will for a very long time." Zac mumbled, trying to rid the limb of all of the salivia and spittle that Thresh had coated it in. Thresh's skull didn't change in the slightest, but he was probably blushing like they usually do in romance scenes. "Now get me out of here."

"Certainly." Zilean mumbled, nodding to Thresh. The man grinned at this signal, before thrusting his hand into Zac's chest and feeling him up a little.

"I never thought I'd be inside the one I love!"

And then, funnily enough, everything went white again. Which in this instance, just meant that everyone in the room disappeared.

_This was like looking up in a photo-booth._

X

When Zac came to, he was glad that most of his goo had washed up nearby upon the shore. He was also glad that it was pitch black, the beach having emptied with the coming night. Shyly reforming for what seemed like the billionth time today, he sighed irritably.

He might as well just give up: He was making no progress in his foolish hunt anyway, and it's not like he needed the suit.

_Even if he loved it. _

"What's the point anyway?" Zac said to no one in particular, the seagulls pecking at his head shrugging in response. Wiggling the sky rats off and wrestling through the stubborn sand, he began to make his way back into the city. "I'm not going to find happiness; I might as well just stick to my usual."

_Happiness for others at his own expense._

He'd lived a life of making others happy, but he'd never truly been that happy himself. Somebody had to lose in the deal, and it only made sense that it'd be him. At least that way, the children could continue to laugh and play.

Zac had made a promise to his parents as a boy, stressing that he'd use his powers to grant joy for others. They passed it off as juvenile nonsense: The sort of thing young boys would always go on about, but he truly meant it. So to this day if fought on, trying his best to keep the world entertained.

Shouldering past a rather rough looking man, Zac turned off into the alley way from earlier in the day and marched on. He planned to go back home and spend the rest of the night asleep, wallowing in self-loathing and angst like a generic main character from any form of modern media.

_Then he spotted a ruckus._

_And he was still on duty, wasn't he?_

At the end of the alley way, three men surrounded a young woman with bludgeons in hand. She pressed her back against the crumbling alley wall, her eyes snapping left and right to scan the many sets of blues and browns watching her. One of the men stepped forward as a self elected ring leader, spinning his bludgeon aggressively.

"Listen here, you freak." He growled, walking exceptionally close. If you thought your favourite boy band was close, you wouldn't have any idea. "You're coming with us, whether you like it or not."

"W-What did I do to you?" She stuttered, being forced to look up at him at such close proximity. The gang leader scoffed at her pathetic mewling, before grinning deviously.

The man snatched her frail wrist, tugging it back roughly and causing her to stumble forward. "We've been told by the boss to capture you, and that's all that matters!"

"No!" She gasped, trying to tear her arm free with all of her strength. "Unhand me, you monster!"

_Showtime._

"Hey, you!" Zac growled, bouncing in and pushing the leader away from the woman. "Back off, pal."

He kept the woman behind him, making sure that his body was in front of any potential source of harm. The woman trembled delicately, but kept her footing. One of the thugs acted out of impulse, and instantly tried to bring him down with his weapon. He swung with all of his might, yet Zac simply liquefied and let it fly through him. The impetus of the swing continued, and he slammed the bludgeon against himself.

"Who the hell is this punk?" The leader asked, ignoring the underling as he writhed in pain on the floor. Zac snarled at him as he continued spinning his weapon, that move likely being the only one he knew. "Does he even know what he's doing?"

"I've been in this business since I was just a spoonful, kid." Zac grumbled, putting on a mean face. His goo rippled from his legs and focused around his torso, amplifying the strength of his arms. "I know what I'm doing, so get lost before I hurt you."

"You have no idea who you're up against." The ring leader muttered, before backing off. "Get him."

It was child's play really. Zac had fought beings ranging from scientific evil masterminds to giant shark men, so a couple of peasants off the street certainly weren't going to be an issue. A large lad to the right with a tattoo saying "L is Real 2401" on his knuckles launched a punch at him, but Zac quickly absorbed the fist and twisted it, snapping it like a dried twig.

"Sorry." He whispered as the man sunk to his knees.

The guy from earlier who'd just made his round ones a fine pate tried to return for round two, but quickly discovered that it was a bad idea. Stubbornly swinging his bludgeon once again, Zac decided to have a bit more fun and dodge it. His flank now wide open, Zac swung a hard chop into his neck and sent him to the ground in a sprawled out mess.

The ring leader gasped as Zac looked him in the eye, suddenly feeling a tad bit vulnerable now that his lackeys were down. Rather than doing his own heroic kamikaze charge, he decided to take the second option: He ran away.

"Jerks." Zac mumbled, turning around to the girl. She looked absolutely terrified, gasping for air from the fear. Zac tilted his head curiously, trying to think of a way to calm her down. "Don't worry ma'am, I'm one of the good guys."

The woman nodded, but her tense body did not ease. Sinking to her knees to try and rest, she whispered in response. "I-I'm just... It's the adrenaline, I'm sorry..."

"No need to be sorry ma'am." He smiled, kneeling down to her side. She felt extremely vulnerable now, and it only made sense to stress that he was here to protect her. The woman smiled in embarrassment, staring at her lap shyly. "What happened? Any idea why they attacked you?"

"I'm not sure..." She sighed, running a hand through her white hair and a brushing back a pair of large, foxy ears. He hadn't noticed them at first, but considering all of the things he'd seen today, this was rather ordinary. "I guess I was just a vulnerable target, that's all... Thankfully, you were around."

"Just doing my job, ma'am." Zac chuckled, tipping his metaphorical hat. The lady giggled at this, finding this action mildly amusing. After a moment of silence, she spoke out once again.

"Is there any way I can repay you, Mr...?"

"Zac. You don't need to ma'am, I insist." Zac stressed. He didn't need anything from her, nor would he accept anything. However, while he didn't need anything _physical_, there was something he did seek from her. "Well, you could do something..."

"Yes?" She asked enthusiastically, grabbing hold of his hand tightly. Zac's hands always seem to go firm when ladies touched him, be it a blessing or a curse. "I'll do anything for you, Zac."

She was a beautiful girl, and that was coming from _him._ While he could comprehend attractiveness, he had never in the past been attracted to a woman in a way one could consider romantic. Yet this girl was different: She looked unbelievably cute in his eyes, and her personality held a similar allure. There was one thing he wanted to know from her so he may sleep through the night peacefully.

"Could you... Tell me your name, ma'am?"

She blushed at this question, having only just realised that she hadn't told her hero. Stroking his palm in a motherly, comforting way, she nervously revealed it. "L-Lissandra..."

"Such a nice name..." Zac sighed, captivated by the numerous assaults to his senses. Shaking his dazed head clear, he tried to shift the topic back on tracks. "So Lissandra, should we get you back home?"

"I don't live that far from here." She said, every word she spoke possessing a gentle and soft tone to it. Rising to her feet with Zac's assistance, she looked left and right with worry. "It shouldn't take long."

Zac asked her for the direction before leading the way, their hands still held tightly together as they went. There was little light in the pitch black chill of the night, forcing the two to stay close to one another for warmth and security.

"Z-Zac..." Lissandra whispered gently, her voice leaking in her innocence and purity "Are you going to protect me...?"

"Of course." Zac grinned, giving her a confident thumbs up. "I'm a superhero, I'll keep you safe!"

She chuckled at his childish enthusiasm, finding it strangely endearing. It was funny that such a powerful man could possess a kind, noble heart. "I thought you would."

X

"Well, here we are." Lissandra said, the duo having finally arrived at her humble abode. It was a strangely large building, likely costing a lot of gold. She had to be a superstar, or some sort of drugs baron. "Thanks again, Zac."

"Don't sweat it, Lissandra." He winked, reluctantly letting her hand go. She fished into her small handbag and pulled out a key, unlocking the door and releasing a torrent of light and warmth from inside.

"Ummm..." Lissandra mumbled, staring at her carpet as if a squadron of rodents had staged some sort of protest around there. "D-Do you want a drink or anything...?"

"Nah, I'm good." Zac winked. He wasn't thirsty at all, and it didn't seem right to waste her time any further. "Thanks a lot though."

"Ah... Okay..." She stuttered, sounding surprisingly disappointed. A moment later she perked up, digging into her bag once again as if it contained some sort of wormhole. Out came a wad of money, which she pressed into his hand. "That reminds me, here."

"I can't accept this Lissandra, I really can't." He sighed, trying to give the money back. "I don't save people for money."

"I'm paying you for escorting me though, aren't I?" She smiled, outwitting the slime ball. "Take it and buy something nice for yourself, my treat."

He glanced at the money for a moment before finally accepting it, not wanting to cause too much of a ruckus. He was surprised by this sudden event, having not received any money for his work for a very long time indeed. "... Thanks..."

"Good night, Zac." She whispered soothingly as she closed the door. "Sweet dreams."

"Sweet dreams..." He echoed as the door was shut delicately.

X

_One-thousand gold._

_One-thousand whim-whams._

_He'd achieved the number._

Draven probably didn't expect to see him wander into his shop the following morning, although he did still have his axes on hand if he had to chase another peasant out. His face still possess that same, bone-chilling grin, and he seemed to be resting against the counter in the _exact_ same pose as he was the day before.

Smugly bouncing towards him, Zac slammed the goo-stained notes onto the desk and grinned triumphantly. "Thirty Volkswagens, read 'em and weep."

The shopkeeper snatched the money and sorted through it, lacking the cigar and cap to make it look official. After the third run through it, he quickly slipped the bills into his pocket and patted Zac's shoulder. "Draven never thought he'd see the day. Draven's proud of you, Jelly Man."

Zac had to admit that being complimented by this man was surprisingly rewarding. Maybe it helped prove some sort of moral point, primarily how anyone could win if they tried their hardest. He reached for Draven's shoulder to return the gesture, but he stepped back casually.

"No touch policy, hands off the goods."

"Sorry." He whispered, jumping back with the fear of flying axes fresh in his mind. "So then, uhh... Can I try that suit now?"

"Wuh?"

"The suit, you know..." Zac mumbled nervously, rotating his hand like the handle to a gramophone. "The one I wanted to buy yesterday?"

"Oh yeah." Draven recalled, clicking to punctuate the point. "Out of stock, this weird monster guy with pincers bought it: Top hat and all."

"Darn..." Zac sighed, feeling a sudden weight of sadness in his body. While he hadn't gotten his suit in the end, did it really matter? He'd met new people, been to the beach, had a tea party, visited the afterlife, beat up some crims and even met a pretty girl.

"Anyway, be on the lookout Jelly Man." Draven warned, gesturing to the radio behind him. "Bad guys out on the street, two lads got the snot beaten out of them last night."

"Really? What happened?" Zac asked, wondering if he could help capture those hooligans.

"They were trying to arrest some woman from the Freljord." Draven said, trying to recall the news story in its fullest. "Lissandra's her name, that's it. Nearly got her, but some guy saved her."

"I-I see..." Zac mumbled, suddenly realising what he'd done. Those thugs from yesterday weren't thugs at all, they were _police._ "... Can I have my money back please, I... Need to go home."

"No refunds."

"Story of my life."

X

_(A/N): THAT WAS THE LONGEST ONESHOT I HAVE EVER WRITTEN, OH MY SMEG_

_And it was utter nonsense, but meh :/_

_Still, I hope somebody out there enjoyed this nonsense. I'd be surprised if anyone read it all in one go! xD_


End file.
